Molars and the Pearly Gates

I am sure I will have to go through an extra security checkpoint before entering the Pearly Gates of Heaven because of this blog post. However, if the Man Upstairs knows my inner most thoughts….I figure I am going to be standing in line for a while any ways and doing a lot of explaining (I am picturing a Cuban voice saying “Stacy, you got some splainin to do”).

So you know how the story goes, God made Adam and then Eve. Well, God, I have to say on Version 2.0 you really did not think through your design of teeth-this should have been totally reengineered. I never knew the magnitude of this flaw until I became a mother. I’m going to cut you a little slack because you did accomplish a heck of a lot in seven days…but just a little overtime would have been appreciated in the teeth department.

My son, Coop, has hit a stride the last few months after surviving colic, chronic ear infections, and getting all of his teeth the first year of his life. He is rarely sick, sleeps through the night, and is generally a blast to be around. Some mothers might not appreciate this stride. But after four months of colic (where my husband and I heard screaming from our bundle of joy for 12+ hours a day to the point that our ears rang like we had been in the front row of  a 80s heavy metal band concert) followed by annoying ear infections…I APPRECIATE this stride. It’s almost as if the stork took our grumpy kid and exchanged him for a happier version. This all came to a screeching halt this week when an uninvited guest showed up at our door step….the two year molars. Actually, the guest skipped the doorsteps and just barged right in. Seriously, is this a cruel joke on parents and children? I honestly did not know to expect two year molars. Frankly, I don’t remember getting them and I did not read the “what to expect book”….just rolling with the punches in this household.

So in the wee hours of the night, as my little boy slept on the couch with me while holding his little cheeks and moaning “ouch” I started to think about the whole design of teeth. After much thought, here is the redesign that I propose for Adam/Eve 3.0. Really, teeth should come in while you are still in the womb. This gets rid of the whole concept of teething. Need I say more? No, but I will. Now for all breast feeding mothers, don’t have a heart attack. I am not a scientist or a doctor (well, I am a doctor-but not of the scientific or medical variety), but I am thinking that the teeth would kind of be like the texture of an earlobe, and then they just harden up as you get older-pain free. And for crying out loud, the set you are born with is the set you keep- you don’t lose them all just for them to grow back! What a waste! I would also recommend as part of this redesign, skipping the whole wisdom teeth concept-you have to get them cut out anyway. And, God, while you are at it…just go ahead and line each tooth up nice and straight with no over or under bite.

There, one easy solution ends a lot of sleepless nights and irritability for children and parents around the world! Think of all of the tears, agony, and pain spared. Now, this could wipe out a few industries that supply teething pain relievers and a few professions such as orthodontists or dental surgeons. And the tooth fairy would have to reinvent herself a bit. But, these all seem like small sacrifices in the name of peace and sleep!

Until then, Coop’s spoon will be full of children’s pain reliever.

The picture below is Coop proudly displaying his first two teeth.